If you have not watched the movie 50 Shades of Grey, my review will reveal many spoilers, so if you want to watch it, then come back and comment on my review afterwards… I would love to hear what you think.
So after a long grilling day at the flicks, here is my review, I have rushed it as I have to get off to the station so apologises for spelling/grammar errors.
So after gaining the feeling back in my ass I have just got home to write up the drivel I have just endured for the past 2 hours of my life.
So I was feeling slightly perplexed to start as I was running slightly late 12:05 pm and expected to walk into the cinema full of couples or barely old enough young girls glued to the screen, yet when I walked in there was 3 other sad and lonely woman to which I fitted the bill at that time. I spoke to the woman at the desk to let them know that I was writing a review and would they mind and they said please do let me know what its like as they have been getting mixed reviews, I replied, “I will do my best to stay awake”
I can however imagine how busy it will be this evening when the herds of single woman, young and old and the boyfriends being dragged there by their partners to watch this shite!
So this is my first review so I will certainly do my best, bare in mind I am not a writer yet I felt I had to put my comments on this particular film.
So the cinema was awesome, big screen, amazing sound and my seat was comfortable at the start. I did giggle out loud at some of the trailers that they showed before the film, ‘Second marigold Hotel’ and also “Pitch Perfect 2” yes I still a girl! – oh I did coil up in my seat to see they have made an actually Cinderella film, which I know I will be dragged along to see with my daughter, lets hope one of her friends would like to see that!
Magic Mike 2 was defiantly the best trailer i saw and too be honest I got a little heated as to seeing all those buff bodies in big screen in front of me, au mamma! gorgeous! shhhwwwiiinnnggg!
12.20pm – still trailers! I was sat in row 4 from the bottom in seat 17, good view and centralised position to get my note book out and start making notes.
12.24pm – the show began, the film opened up to ‘I put a spell on you’ with a Mr Grey running round america docklands for his morning jog, then showered and got changed into his smart business suit, Anastasia starts dressed in drabs, and to be honest the first thought was she was wearing a wig, terrible hair cut but I guess thats the way she is supposed to look being of young and innocence that she can’t even afford a good cut.
So her poorly friend asks her to interview Mr Grey for her and gives her the interview sheet and away little anna goes. She walks into the building full of posh dress business folk, and you can see she feels out of place, yet her acting skills are TERRIBLE – why did anyone choose this woman to play this role I don’t know! anyway – They are sat down in the office and the acting between them is just pathetic, When I read the first few chapters of the book, I remember feeling the tension in the air between them and the way the author describes the movements of there faces and eyes, and lips was ten times better than this scene,. his character does not suit the actor at all, in fact they should of had Antonio banderes and Sharon Stone playing the roles but unfortunately age comes into play with that. So to get back to the story. she asks questions and they are supposed to be flirting (not my kind of flirting but then I am a lady of course lol) they answer half the questions and they leave with a scene at the lift where Grey says, “Anastasia” and she then say” Christian” as the lift door closes. She then goes outside into the rain with a school girl giddy expression as if she has just experienced her first crush.
The way that the film starts off gives a sense of a PG due to the lack of erotism in it right from the start….my god what did I sign up too?
I would imagine girls between 14 years and 20 years really wanting to see this film thinking it would show a sexy side to a man without understanding the true nature of the film, and this film is bad!
At this point I have some rather large lady chewing popcorn behind me so I have to move seats, God damn, eat with your mouth closed!
They tried to put an element of comedy in the film which doesn’t seem to work well. The only part which I found remotely funny was when Anna was desperate for the toilet and she is drunk and phones Grey to tell him who is in control – this I found to be funny due to the amount of girls who think they are either brave enough or strong enough to tell a man what she thinks due to alcohol consumption, yet most of them regret or forget what was said the next day to then spend hours apologising for a being a drunken, gibberish mess!
So the relationship between Grey and Anna is a strange one, its as though they don’t actually like each other and you can see this on the screen. They are not connected in anyway, you can tell this acting role is just a job which I find ruins the illusion of how intense and erotic dominants can actually be with their submissive. This however is incredibly false!
12.55pm – the sound goes off on the film for about 15 seconds as to which I actually sigh with relief, yet it is fixed and the film continues. oh the joy! – oh Tailor the driver, he is hot stuff!
Grey takes Anna in his helicopter, which they have a few giggles which is cute I guess yet so fake.
1pm – He takes her into his apartment and shows her the playroom – which isn’t too bad, wooden floors, whips, crops, floggers galore, its clean, square and precise for a visual display, a big red leather couch, and a red bed.
1.05pm – She explains that she is a virgin so he being MR Grey has to rectify this. He takes off her trousers and feels her legs, takes off her top then kisses her, takes off her bra, kisses her neck, puts her on the bed and enters her, She moans, once, not an ouch but an aww sound and then she loves it! Well excuse me but either he has a small cock or she is lying as everyone I spoke to including me, sex was painful, nice but bloody painful, this is when it goes down hill for me, not only am I trying to fool myself into watching a film about a book I despised but the fact that they can’t even get the true factors of intercourse right. then he fucked her, surely that should of hurt!
I know what your saying, come on Charlotte its only a film, yeah and a shit one at that!
The morning after she wakes up to make him breakfast, he wants her to get cleaned up and takes her into the bathroom, the naivety of her innocence to be dominated when the look she gives is a one of love or lust in the idealology that his dominance is a gift that shows her how much he wants her,,,please…it reminds me of when I was with my kids dad and he told me, “if I could lock you in a room and watch you all day I would” FREAKY!
But anyway – its only a film.
The Film tries to mix, lust and dominance together, which the mix doesn’t work well, there is no defining moment until the end when she knows his behaviour is not for her, and even then he cannot give a real answer as to why its a turn on for him.
So back in the bathroom and he asks her to trust him, she says yes, so he gets a tie from the bedroom, binds her wrists, pushes her into the bedroom, on the bed, and then lifts them over her head while he moves his face around her body yet not touching. Snake dancing on a bed is probably one of the biggest aspects of this film and also the signature move for Grey has to be tying up the wrists and lifting them over her head, he does it a lot in the film. So when I say snake like, maybe I should suggest buckeroo as I know how to move my body when excited but I actually thought there was a party going on in her head that Grey obviously wasn’t invited too.
Grey says “If you were my submissive I will be devoted to you” This reminds me of the end of the labyrinth where David Bowie says pretty much the same line to Sarah, then she ends the film with “you have no power over me” which would have been funny if Anna had said that – a little ogle running into the film saying, ‘should you need us’ lol
The cars in the film are yummy, the new audi takes to the stage in gunmetal grey, gorgeous 22 inch alloys, mmmmm, oh sorry back to the shit film!!!
Almost an hour into the film and my ass is numb!!! – he starts talking about how he became a dominant, as to when he was sexual abused by his mums friend, mmmm, now I don’t know much about male dominants, but I can understand the anger caused to anyone who has been abused but to then stay friends with the abuser, is a little disturbing for me. He was 15 years old when abused by a mature woman, yet has dinner with her in the film. the acting is so bad , I am struggling now to really pay attention, but I must keep going!
The gifts that Anna receives in the films are fab, 1st edition books, a new apple mac, a car, hey if I could receive just 3 spanks and get all the gifts I would!
Oh yes I recorded a tally as I went of kisses, spanks, whips, fucks etc
So they start talking about the offer. Learning about consensual slavery yet not understanding limits on a novice is very dangerous and I am glad that they came back to breaking down the contract in the film, otherwise this would have been the point I would have walked out. The contract is well scripted yet not always clear. she texts him a message saying ‘it was nice knowing you’ as the contract was a little over bearing for her, but of course he comes to her apartment without being invited and takes her, binds her wrists again over the head, the signature move, turns her over on her front and fucks her from behind. Now this is the second sex scene, and you can tell she’s nude and he is nude but there is only scenes of her breasts, you can see a small amount of her bush in the first scene but that’s about it. So all you see is tits and ass, whoopty do!!! I see more than that on a night out in soho and it didn’t cost me £12.50 to watch!
Beyoncé is the sole singer of the film, every song is a different darker version of the ones she’s already done, apart from one I think is new.
So she decides to make amendments to the contract over a business meeting, which I like, as this is the point you actually see that the control has changed, she moves her hair to show her neck, her breathing changes, and she bites her lip knowing that he finds this incredibly erotic, she winds him up and refuses to let him fuck her on the office table. I like this. I don’t know how the book goes, but on the big screen this was a role reversal. The dominant became the submissive, this happens a fair bit in the film where you don’t know who is the one in control anymore, there is no real lead in the two characters, is this supposed to be like this? I have no idea but it got my mind drifting off back to audi, the curves were beautiful and the front was a work of art…come on Charlotte control yourself!
So the amendments to the contract, she makes comments asking anal fisting and vaginal fisting to be removed, she’s obviously been to the UK and knows thats not allowed, ATVOD would be pleased! She also makes a comments which made me giggle, “Whats a butt plug” well if its anything like my butt plugs, you use them for door stops luv!. she then made me giggle again when she asks about bondage’s, cuffs, tape and other, she asks what is other and Grey reply, cable ties – I only giggled as she works at a hardware shop and at the beginning he goes in and buys tape and cable ties. So that’s two small giggles so far.
Anna has her graduation as to which he is there giving a speech about his business and then shakes her hand when been given her graduation folder, she then tells him that she kind of agrees. He then has a drink with her and her dad and gets the first photo snapped together. After the graduation he gives her a brand new car and she rolls her eyes in how extravagant the gift is, Grey says “Roll your eyes at me again and I will take you across my knee” she says “Oh” but not in ‘ooh’ high pitched but more oh right She of course rolls her eyes again and so he does what he says and puts her over his knee and spanks her three times and Grey says, ‘welcome to my world” well if that’s all it takes to get those gifts I’m in, I’ll be first at the door shouting, “Mr Grey, Im here for my three spanks” rolling my eyes as I walk over to him.
But hey? Surely, this could be seen as a form of grooming? Especially how he knew he had just taken her virginity away? Books=Spanks, Laptop=Flogging, Car=Belt buckles?? Mmmmm, maybe I will just stick to sex work, as manipulation through innocence is not my style.
1.41pm – I need the loo now, and I’m hungry, and the crappy actors are talking blah blah blah so here is the tally I took until they get in the play room
Lost V – 1
Hard fucks – 1
Spanks – 3
kisses – 5
40 minutes left – trust me I was screaming inside at this point
1.45pm – They go into the play room they kiss, he bites her lips, he tells her to take of her shoes and clothes apart from her pants, comments on her body “don’t be ashamed of your nakedness” she replies “Yes sir” – oh lord, when is this film going to end – he plaits her hair, and tells her to kneel at the door,, hands on thighs and this is where she will always wait for him. He gets a crop and asks her to hold out her hand and hits it, he asks if it hurts and she says no, and he then tells her that it is all in her head. He then cuffs her to the ceiling so he can walk around her teasing her with little kisses and he puts his hand down towards her pussy, then kisses her belly, again this snake dance, its like shakira, or a snake charmer, he takes off her pants and again, no sign of bush! come on people, you’ve just told her that she should never be ashamed of her nakedness, well let us see then?!!!
ATVOD – its an 18, surely we can see bush????
So we then get 4 minutes from the start of the play room to the end where he crops her body three times, kissing 6 times, 2 more spanks, 1 hair pull and another hard fuck
Lost V – 1
Hard fucks – 2
Spanks – 5
kisses – 11
1.54pm – 2pm – Getting close to the end now!!! yeeeee
Anna goes and visits her mums yet didn’t tell Grey about this the night before at his mothers house when they were having dinner, he got angry and took her for a walk and ended up carrying her over his shoulder and explained that he owned her, she wanted to know why she couldn’t touch him, and asks about the burn marks he has on his chest. later on in the scene he tells her that his real mum was a crack addict prostitute that tormented him when he was young – just remember fellow sex workers that this is only a film.
So Anna is with her mum and is drinking and Grey turns up out of the blue and we have our first naughty word – “Holy Fuck” she is shocked that he turned up and makes the first obvious statement that he had experienced child abuse. I feel that there should of been more to this story due to the fact you are basing someones erotic fantasies around a sexual abused victim why and how did it become that way? I have heard in lots of cases that for example the bullied becomes the bully but why? what did he go through? surely this needs to be explained? the audience need to have a deeper understanding as to why? he has been abused, so what left him with the need to give punishment to others for sexual pleasure?
They go paragliding and this is the only scene where I feel the actors connected, despite not even looking at each other, I’m sure they hated each other, as the signals were all over the place to be love, lust, sex or erotic wants, nothing came close to that.
2.08pm – playrooms 2 – where aren’t counting the first time she went in it to view
She gets bound, again, this time to the bed, arms above her head, yet again, this time she is reminded of the safe words, she’s bound by her ankles as well this time and blindfolded. This is the scene you see in the trailer and it lasts all of 2 minutes! He gets a peacock feather and trails it across her body, then a rather large leather flogger, where the strand of each bit of leather go large then small then large than small again, He flogs her three times, kisses once, and I believe some oral sex but thanks again to ATVOD you will never know…
so we are at:
Lost V – 1
Hard fucks – 2
Spanks – 5
kisses – 12
Flogging – 3
Swear words – 1
Oral sex – maybe 1
He then unties her and plays on the piano, she comes to him and complains that why don’t they do things like normal couples, and he says that just the way he is “50 shades of fucked up” – (naughty word)
She asks him to make her understand, give her the real stuff, don’t hold back. So he puts her over a table, gets a metal belt buckles and whips her with it 6 times. this is a metal belt buckle, she doesn’t even flinch! I would be screaming after the first one, if you don’t clarify A METAL BELT BUCKLE! Thanks Grey, I’m sure their will be lots of men trying this out on their girlfriends! He hits her 6 times, whilst she counts. third hit you see tears, fourth hit her breath changes, firth hit is both, and the last she whisper the word six. She then rebels, and shouts ‘why do you want to see me like this?” she goes to her room crying and he comes in and asks her not to hate him, she replies “you will never do that to me again” – she says she’s not what he wants, he then says she is what he wants, and blah blah blah and she tells him to leave.
2.19pm – She’s leaving him scene!!! yes yes yes I am almost done!
the atmosphere i guess was a little tense only due to it obviously raining and rain creates sadness and we need to feel saddened now that its all about to come to an end.
He looks bewildered that she is leaving him and walks to the lift, he tries to chase after her and she shouts ‘STOP” and then it goes back to the beginning when grey says, Anastsia and she replies, christian and the door of the lift closes and that was the end – hallelujah I am still alive!!!
so total are:
Lost V – 1
Hard fucks – 2
Spanks – 5
kisses – 12
Flogging – 3
Swear words – 2
Oral sex – maybe 1
Belt – 6
So whats the moral to this story…The moral to this story is the same issues that sex workers face everyday, people perceptions of what they want to believe that we get up too, sex kinks, BDSM, LGBTQ, all the things that the public don’t understand, this story was based on a woman understanding of what goes on behind closed doors, not hers, but a fictional character caught on a cross line of the film the ‘secretary’ and ‘90210’
I would like to think that the author of 50 shades of shite is angry at what this film portrait, as it was pathetic. yes yes the moral,,,,if you want realism, erotism, BDSM, then go to the professionals, no half hearted hour spent on the internet, talk to people, meet the real people as this just shows the same issues we go through each and every day of people thinking they know us, thinking they know everything about everything we do, well trust me,,,you don’t! Don’t try and tell us how we operate, how we do things and why we do things, don’t try and analyse us into boxes of abused, or drug addicts, you obviously know nothing. This film is about one woman’s own fantasy by what I have just watched, if want the real BDSM, go see a real mistress or master as they are the professionals, not some woman who wrote a book, best selling, who cares! the only thing I give this film credited for is by giving the sex industry another opportunity to show you all how to for fill a fantasy, the right way. nothing more!